I've been thinking a lot about Alex lately. His personality is so much like mine and I want so badly for him to be different...I want him to be more free spirited and maybe not so uptight... but not too wild. I want for him to listen and obey, but stand up for up himself and realize he is his own person. I am shocked at how much he is like me...and confronted with the realization that the personality traits I would change in him are there because of me.
He is this uptight, little bundle of stress because I am an uptight bundle of stress. I expect perfection from him while I let Lauren get away with everything. She literally sucks every last ounce of sweetness I possibly have right out of me. He usually does listen to what I say and makes sure the others are somewhat in line, but the instant he messes up, I jump all over him. The second he tries to look at a book and Lauren cries because she wants to see it, I tell him "just give her the book!"
All I want is for each of my kids to be happy and healthy and to feel great about themselves. I want to be responsible for the best in them and definitely not the worst. Alex is such a perfect little boy with a fantastic heart and it makes me so sad to think that I have not nurtured him as I should. I was 100% "Alex's Mommy" 7 years ago, and now I feel 100% "Mom to 3 kids". I am responsible for his "Oldest Child Syndrome" and I would like to take this opportunity to pledge to back off.
I am NOT going to expect my 7 year old to be perfect. I will not expect that he share unconditionally with his brother and sister. I will carve out "Mommy & Alex time" while he still wants it. I will make sure he knows that HE is special and perfect just as he is. That was my goal when I became a mom and I'm not sure when or how I got derailed, but its not acceptable.
I love you Alex. xoxoxo
Chick it's a constant battle juggling it all. The only thing I hope with my kids as they grow is that they are happy with who they are...because at nearly 30 years old it's STILL a daily battle for me to get to that point.
ReplyDeleteWhen I look at Alex he is a happy, silly little 7 year old boy...he loves life and he is happy. He's never seems uptight to me...but then again look at my 7 year old. Alex is a sweet silly happy go lucky boy in my opinion. Be glad for that, we do what we can with what we know. Being the oldest of 3 is hard work--I know...but it IS important for him to have his own space and own time. Alex is a wonderful big brother he's doing just fine. Don't worry :)